‘What’s coming will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.’ Hagrid
What a ride the last few days have been.
There are so many directions I could take my words in today… in fact I could probably spend the next month writing about nothing but this. But Ajay and our storm is not what Rx for the Soul is about. Putting Faith in front of fear however, is -and this week has been a glorious opportunity to do that.
I have had a few people ask me if what is happening to Ajay makes me angry. Of course, I hate seeing our child suffer- watching him struggle is an easy thing to hate… but it is such a small part of the picture. The ONLY thing not working for Ajay right now are his leg muscles ( he can move his legs, they just won’t hold him up.) His smile is still 10,000 megawatts, his sarcasm is 100% engaged, and the little twinkle in his eye that sparks just before his mischievous slow smile spreads across his cheeks is intact and active. His lab values that measure the muscle breakdown in his blood stream are dropping but still far above normal. It seems that the firestorm has slowed- but many questions remain unanswered about why his body has once again turned against itself. He will start physical therapy today, and one day at a time we will begin doing whatever it is we have to do to make sure he runs like a gazelle again very, very soon.
Am I angry? Heck no, I’m not angry. I have never in my life believed more in the presence of an invisible hand that holds those I love gently in its care. Let me be frank….sometimes my life sucks…. Just like I am sure your life sometimes sucks. But every time something in my life falls apart, something greater than what has broken emerges to show me that there is a bigger picture forming. I am very clear on one thing; I did not come here to have an easy path- I came here to grow. Easy is overrated…In my life, every truly good thing that I have ever known has come to me after something before it has broken me wide open. I understand this…. I trust it. I don’t expect to be protected from the hard things…. I expect to be led through them- and I always am.
If there is one take away I have gleaned from this last week, it is that my son is following this same path. In his first 8 years of life the universe has thus far not handed him the ‘easy button’… but I have never heard him say, “Why me, Momma?’ … It never crosses his mind. Life deals him a blow and he bobs and weaves and carries on. As I sit here writing this blog, he is holding court from his hospital bed- refusing to let his nurse flush his IV tubing and taking great joy in causing his iPad to make farting noises that he gleefully blames on his Dad. His leg muscles have been ravaged by his own system and he can’t stand or walk at the moment… yet it hasn’t slowed him down in any of the important ways. His 8 year old world has shifted on its axis over the last week- but he still feels warm, and safe, and happy. How could we feel anything but grateful?
I know some of you face issues far bigger and more grave than the one we have wrestled with this week. I know these lives that we have are not easy…. But you did not come here to have it easy… you came here to grow. The things of this world are transient- whether it is a bank account, a marriage, or a life. The things of this world fall away… and it is not because something is going wrong…. It is because that is what the things of THIS world do…. They fall apart. It’s ok….because the bigger picture is always falling together. When we look at life with horizontal vision, it can be hard to find the path; it becomes easy to lose hope. When things fall apart, don’t look out at the world and expect it to save you…. look up- toward whatever it is that you believe exists beyond the here and now- and let it lift you. That’s where the truth is.
When we can look up, we can begin to live up…. And that is when we are free.